Grief After Losing a Fellow Service Member

Losing someone you served with can bring up more than the absence of a friend. There may be memories of the unit, questions about what happened, or the feeling that a part of your life is difficult to explain to anyone who was not there.

The VA's Make the Connection resource describes grief after military loss as personal and sometimes traumatic. Anger and questions about what could have been done can be part of the experience. The way you respond depends on your relationship and the circumstances of the loss.

Start with the part you can put into words

You do not have to give someone a complete account before saying you need support. You might begin with, “I have been thinking about someone we lost,” or, “This date has been harder than I expected.”

If the story feels difficult to explain, name the current problem. You are sleeping poorly. You have stopped answering messages from people you served with. You feel angry when the subject comes up. Those details give a counselor somewhere to start.

My article on therapy for veterans who do not want to talk about everything at once discusses approaching treatment at a manageable pace.

Look carefully at responsibility and hindsight

You may keep returning to what you wish had happened differently. Bring those thoughts into counseling so they can be examined with care.

One useful starting point is to separate what you knew at the time from what you learned afterward. A clinician can help explore the facts, the meaning of the loss, and the expectations you have placed on yourself. A blog post cannot determine responsibility for a situation it does not know.

If guilt or shame is central to what you are carrying, my article on moral injury in veterans may also be relevant.

Decide how you want to remember them

Remembering could involve speaking with someone who knew them, keeping a photograph, supporting a cause they cared about, or setting aside private time on a meaningful date.

Choose something that fits your relationship and your current capacity. You can change the plan if a public gathering feels too much or a private routine leaves you isolated. You can also ask someone to check in afterward.

A memory can include ordinary details: their humor, a habit, a shared conversation. You are allowed to remember the whole person.

Seek support when grief is affecting daily life

Tell a provider if you are struggling to function, using alcohol or other substances to get through the day, or experiencing distressing memories, ongoing sleep problems, or withdrawal. An assessment can help identify which concerns need treatment.

As an Army veteran and former combat medic, I bring an understanding of military culture to my work as a Licensed Professional Counselor. Individual counseling gives us a place to work on what you are experiencing now.

Adults seeking counseling in El Paso can check availability and request an appointment through my Headway profile. If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 in the United States. Call 911 for immediate danger.

Further reading

VA Make the Connection: Death of Family Members or Friends.